Daily WTF

 

you decide...

A young woman in Cape Town was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young deck-hand saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying. He took pity on her and said, look, you've got a lot to live for. We're off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on this ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day. Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, ‘I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy, OK?' The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Maybe a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. ‘What are you doing here?' the captain asked. ‘I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,' she explained. ‘I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me.'

A priest was taking a shortcut through an alley one day and came upon a young boy who was masturbating. "My son, you
shouldn't be doing that", said the priest. "You should be saving that for when you get married."

The embarrassed boy hung his head down low and simply said "Yes, Father."

About 10 years later the priest was in his study when a young man, in his early twenties came in.

"Yes, my son?" said the priest.

"Father, you may not remember me, but about 10 years ago you caught me masturbating in an alley, and I'll never forget the advice you gave then."

"And what was that, my son?"

"Well, you told me that what I was doing was wrong and I should be saving it for when I get married", said the young man.

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.
2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.
4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.
5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.
6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.
7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly. 8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. Inside the cage, hang a banana on a string and place a set of stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the other monkeys with very cold high-pressure water. After a while, another monkey makes an attempt with the same result - all the other monkeys are sprayed with cold water. Pretty soon, when another monkey tries to climb the stairs, the other monkeys will try to prevent it.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!'

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him ‘MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.......... Whew, I got away with that one!

A Mom comes to visit her son John who's living with a female roommate named Samantha. John's mother doesn't like the idea of her son living with a woman, as he's in college and doesn't need any distractions. To ease his mother's worries, John invites her to stay for dinner.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what your thinking Mom, but I assure you, Samantha and I are just roommates."

1. When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

2. A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

3. A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore - where a tree blew over and killed him.

4. Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge - killing him.

1. Scientific tests find that when women make love, they produce double amounts of the hormone estrogen, which make hair shiny and skin smooth.

2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis, skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes your skin glow.

3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic dinner.

4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones up just about every muscles in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20 laps and you don't need special sneakers!

5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases the body endorphin into the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a feeling of well-being.

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

4. The message "Bad command or filename" is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell